Gift Wogu

On pregnancy, birth trauma, postpartum healing, and why women must tell the truth

“When you see the baby, you will forget everything. All the pain will disappear.” 

Well, it didn’t and I haven’t forgotten. I don’t think I ever will.

One thing I’m deeply proud of about women of my generation is how vocal we are. Unlike the generation of our mothers who were taught to endure in silence and pretend everything was fine, women today are speaking up. We talk openly about PCOS, fibroids, and endometriosis. We talk about choosing to be child-free. We talk about pregnancy and childbirth not being a “beautiful experience” for everyone, despite what we were told growing up. 

I knew pregnancy would change everything, that’s why long before marriage, I decided I would wait before having children. So when Flavour sang, “In nine months’ time, you will come visiting, with a boy and girl…” he was definitely not talking about me. 

Yet, that didn’t stop the constant unsolicited comments. “I’m putting you in my prayers.” “God will do it.” God will do what exactly? Who asked you? Why is it so difficult for Nigerians to accept a married woman might not want children immediately or at all? The constant unsolicited opinions, pressure and judgement disguised as concern pisses me off. 

I thought taking my time and waiting until I was truly ready to be pregnant was going to make me have a seamless experience. Well, jokes on me. I hated being pregnant. I was miserable and still expected to function in a corporate 9–5 in North America. I cried constantly. I was exhausted all the time. I ended up in an ambulance from work less than two hours after arriving one day.

The vomiting, exhaustion, food aversions, swollen legs, nightmares, headaches, the pain was endless. I had a very supportive spouse. I wasn’t stressed at home, but I still hated being pregnant.

Let me make this crystal clear, support doesn’t make pregnancy enjoyable. To this day, no matter how hard the newborn trenches are, I DO NOT MISS BEING PREGNANT. 

Read my post on PCOS here.

Don’t even get me started about postpartum. Nobody prepared me for postpartum. We prepare for babies, not for mothers. Our house was filled with baby items: clothes, equipment, boxes everywhere. But I had no idea the mother herself needed preparation. I didn’t know women tear during childbirth. I didn’t know about postpartum bleeding.  I didn’t even know about incontinence or complications. It wasn’t until TikTok that I started learning by watching women pack postpartum kits. Pads. Witch hazel spray. Tucks. That’s when I realised how unprepared I was.

When I asked friends and family, the responses were always the same: “Oh, I forgot to tell you.”  “It was so long ago, I don’t remember.” How do you forget something like this?

Having the baby itself wasn’t a walk in the park, birth isn’t just birth. My labour lasted two days. I was exhausted, had an episiotomy, a forceps delivery, a third-tear, meconium, postpartum haemorrhage, and fecal incontinence. It was only after my experience my mum casually mentioned she tore badly after having my sister. I’ve known this woman for almost 30 years and never knew!

When I started sharing my story on WhatsApp, many mums started messaging me privately: Fourth-degree tears, deafness, permanent back pain, pain they never shared loudly. They learnt to keep quiet and endure it. A friend of mine told me she shared her CS pain to someone and she was told “it’s not that serious.”

I truly believe many people underestimate pregnancy and childbirth because women of previous generations didn’t talk about it. And when women today dare to speak, men especially rush to shame them. These women are called selfish, ungrateful, and even told they hate their children because they chose honesty over silence. 

If women talked more, maybe society would listen more. Maybe women wouldn’t be pressured into suffering in silence and women choosing not to have children wouldn’t offend people so deeply because why does a woman’s choice make you so angry?

I love my baby more than words can explain. I would do anything for my child and I’m still overwhelmed. I’m still healing, there’s always something new: If it’s not incontinence, it’s breast pain that feels like needles or something else. It feels like one week, one trouble. Love for your baby doesn’t erase the pain, motherhood doesn’t erase the trauma.  

Women should talk more about their experiences, they should share more. Their kids should know about how hard these things are so they don’t wake up and become a nuisance. I also think if you’re angry with women who don’t want kids, you need to ask yourself why a woman’s choice makes you pissed. Why are you angry? She doesn’t want to put herself through that and that’s okay. Women aren’t even getting the support they need in pregnancy and postpartum. People are getting up and leaving their partners because they can’t cope. I have a solid support system and I’m still struggling.

No, you don’t forget the pain when you see your baby. You carry it with you, you live through it and slowly, with honesty and support, you’ll heal. Women deserve the truth and not fairytales and to be fair, not everyone has horrible experiences. The important thing is to be very honest about your experience so the men and women after you can learn and be kinder to people with different experiences.

How was your experience with pregnancy and postpartum? Please, share in the comment section.