Gift Wogu

If I have to come back to this wicked world, it will definitely not be as a first daughter. Who did first daughters offend? I cannot give adequate details of my people-pleasing journey, but I know it started when I had siblings.

Before my siblings came, I was the spoiled only child of a single mum who was living her best life without the pressure to be perfect for anyone except my mum. I was all she had and wanted to excel at whatever I ventured into.

I remember cleaning the house, doing the dishes, following my mum everywhere (I was nicknamed “mummy’s handbag”), reading the novels she bought me religiously, doing my homework, and even preaching the gospel. I was that kid who took recitations in church seriously, and I even extended it to preaching to my neighbours. That was short-lived when I had siblings who started looking up to me. Me, who can barely make good decisions for myself.

I am not even wise—how am I a role model for these children, please? I noticed they’d do what I did, go where I went, and I even started hearing things at home like, “Can’t you see what your sister Oge is doing?” When these things started happening more frequently, I ventured into people-pleasing. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone, including myself. I felt like a mother to my siblings and wanted the best for them.

This bad habit of desperately wanting everyone to like me or make progress in life followed me into my romantic and non-romantic relationships. I’d harass my friends into applying for opportunities and send them links without minding if they were interested in applying at that time. When I have a significant other, I tend to do almost everything for them. If they have issues with a job, I’ve done a CV almost immediately, I’ve started helping them send out their CVs for jobs, and I’ll write cover letters that will get them hired.

If my significant other or friends have siblings, this behaviour extends to their siblings too. I will talk to them extensively about the importance of having a career, hook them up with jobs, pay for courses if I have to, and ensure their siblings are serious about their lives. This is the kind of person I am. I’m super into having a fantastic career as a woman, especially because I grew up with a mum who pursued a career later in life, but there’s a thin line between caring about people and trying to be a mum!

Most times, these tasks overwhelm me and also affect my business. When I started freelancing in 2019, I used to undercharge. I didn’t want the client to think I was only after the money; I wanted them to see that I was passionate and cared about their project too.😂😂😂 I was scared of pissing them off.

Worrying about clients not hiring me in the beginning made me charge low. Even when I got referred for jobs, I tried to listen to the client’s sob story and give them a chance. I charged so low because I felt sorry for them and wanted to help them with their jobs. I don’t do that anymore, though.

Regarding family, I was an obedient child growing up; I’m not anymore. When I saw how overwhelmed this made me feel, I had to stop doing what I didn’t want to do.

Firstborn daughters struggle with anxiety because we are in a constant state of worrying. Worrying if we’re doing the right thing, helping like we are supposed to, if we’re the right role model to our siblings, the right daughter for our parents, the right friend for our friends, the right colleague at our place of work; we struggle to attain perfection and nobody is perfect. We want everyone to like us, but that’s not possible. Even bread, which is the greatest food in the world (argue with your keyboard), still has haters.

Only recently, I was offended by something. I was so pissed and refused to sweep it under the carpet, which I usually do when I’m pissed. I had this family member say to me, “You don’t look like an unforgiving person, why are you still pissed?” That was when I realized the damage that has been done with regards to my people-pleasing activities and I decided to put a permanent stop to that.

What can you do if you’re a first daughter like me who is drowning in people-pleasing?

Be Selfish

You need to learn how to choose yourself above others. I know it doesn’t sound cool, but who bloody cares? Do things that make you happy, and stop displeasing yourself to please others. Stop putting other people’s happiness over yours. Oh, people are not happy with you and they’re saying you’ve changed? That’s their business! Everyone will be alright—or not.

It’s time to stop choosing other people above yourself. It’s time to stop making decisions that favour everyone but yourself. Let people figure their lives out themselves.

Take a Step Back

It’s time to stop fishing for people; teach them how to fish and leave them to fish. Stop doing it for them. I believe doing stuff for people all the time makes them lazy, highly dependent on you, and is a training ground for weaponized incompetence.

You’ll realize that when you leave these people alone, they’ll be able to figure it out themselves. As a first daughter, it’s almost impossible to leave people alone so they can make their mistakes. We always think they won’t survive without us, but you’ll be in for a rude awakening when you’re not there anymore and these people move on.

I understand it might be hard to leave people alone to figure things out on their own, but it is doable. I’m not saying be wicked, even though it’s a wicked world, but teach them and leave them to do it themselves. Doing it all the time breeds resentment, and we don’t want that.

Learn to Say No

Learning how to say no when I’m asked to do things has been the greatest gift. The answer to questions will most likely be no. Recently, I was told to do something I usually do and I said no. It was so hard to say this, but I said no. The person who asked kept asking and I kept saying no. It felt so empowering.

Saying no will hurt people’s feelings, but it gives you sanity. My mum will always say, “There’s no blessing for someone who murmurs when doing things.” I noticed first daughters usually do stuff and murmur about it. That’s why I no longer do stuff I’ll murmur about. If I’m asked to do something I don’t want to do, the answer will always be no. I’m no longer worried about hurting anyone’s feelings.

Have Firm Boundaries

Your friends and loved ones know how to get you to do stuff for them; they know what to say that will get you to change your mind, but you need to make your boundaries firmer.

I don’t like to be woken up early in the morning because most times, I sleep late. One boundary I’ve created is if someone calls me early in the morning, I will never pick up. If I’ve mentioned something time and time again and people constantly choose to disrespect it, I won’t indulge them.

My boundaries are firm in relationships with friends and family. I always give grace, loads of grace, but if someone keeps disrespecting my boundaries, any reaction that comes out of it is well deserved.

Make sure your boundaries are airtight. Stop making yourself available for everything. Stop being the person who is always called when your siblings misbehave. Always call out BS and nip the utter disrespect for your boundaries in the bud so it doesn’t repeat itself. If you’ve been like me, letting people walk over you and not having strong boundaries, it’s time to change.

Speak Up

One thing first daughters will do is keep things in mind and be resentful about it. Learn to call people out, and talk about things you don’t like.

When someone offends you, it’s important to talk about it. The older sister syndrome in you will make you anxious because you don’t want to offend anyone, but you need to start speaking up. Don’t let anyone get used to your silence or seeing you as a pushover. Talk about things you’re not comfortable with so people will think twice before moving crazy around you.

Seek Support

Support can be getting professional help or talking to friends about what you’re going through; it helps you understand that you’re not alone.

Last year, I got therapy for the first time and I felt a bit of relief speaking to a professional. This year, I stopped keeping things to myself and decided to open up more; I felt like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders when I did that. I was sort of drowning and didn’t know how much I needed to lean on others until I did. Dear first daughters, seek support.

Prioritize Self-Care

As an adult in my late twenties, I take self-care seriously. My skincare and me-time are extremely important to me. Even with a partner, I still take time for myself.

I go on walks alone, take time off from doing housework, do things on my own, and focus on things aside from my partner and other members of my family that make me happy.

Your self-care doesn’t have to be skincare; it can be anything that makes you happy and you can afford. It can be journaling, eating healthy, working out, staying in tranquillity, taking walks. Some of these activities are not expensive. Please, prioritize self-care so you don’t break down.

Dear first daughters, take a step back today. You deserve to be babied. However, if there’s no one to baby you, use this article as a reminder to spoil yourself. As my Nigerians will say, remember that “wahala no dey finish.”